


While Shadows are Shallow

by briaeveridian



Series: Canon-Divergence [6]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Baggage, Gen, Generational Trauma, Healing, It's never too late, Leia POV, Leia wants to be a better mom, Padawan!Ben Solo, canon divergent from halfway through Bloodline, canonverse, parents are people too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29848581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briaeveridian/pseuds/briaeveridian
Summary: Senator Organa finds herself having to investigate a galaxy-wide conspiracy with Senator Casterfo, a Centrist with whom she has little in common. But when a sudden premonition takes her focus to more personal matters, Leia changes course. She hopes that by finally confronting her past, she can save her son's future.
Relationships: Leia Organa & Ben Solo, Leia Organa & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Canon-Divergence [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918030
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from Stay Alive by Jose Gonzalez, which is one of my favorite Ben Solo songs. 
> 
> This is kind of a companion to _For You I Carry the World._ I wrote that from Han's POV because I yearn for him to have a chance to change things. Now it's Leia's turn.
> 
> Haven't finished writing part two quite yet. But I expect Rey is going to find her way into the story somehow...

The door slides shut with a _swish_ and ushers in the first true silence of Leia’s day. She sighs heavily in the wake of Senator Ransolm Casterfo’s exit, with no more clarity about their next steps than she was at the start of their meeting. Her head buzzes with the various theories and courses of action they discussed without finding consensus. 

Rubbing the bridge of her nose, Leia mourns the fact that this simple issue has exploded into an entire investigation, one pointing to a potential galactic-scale conspiracy. _At least Ransolm and I can handle this together. I never would have expected him to be such an ally, considering his arrogance and stance as a Centrist._

She stands and paces around her office. There’s a window that overlooks the courtyard, bordered by other office and administration buildings. The expanse is dotted with trees. Leia sees the bustle of people going about their various Senate business, letting her eyes grow unfocused. Shifting her shoulder blades, she tries to ease a point of tension between them. She’s convinced herself this pain is because of work.

But she knows deep down it’s about something else.

_I should have stepped down before this all started._

Leia once relished her Senatorial duties. For decades her priority has been working toward a better future, whether that was the lives of Alderaanians or battling against the stalemate of the current legislature. The opposing factions make progress of any kind nearly impossible, however. And it has steadily worn on her. 

As a populist, Leia believes that planets should have the authority to govern themselves. Planets understand their own requirements, can decide on their own governing structure, and make it difficult for a single group to amass too much power in the galaxy. Diffusing power is key. _Only then can a repeat of the Empire be averted._

The Centrists are relentless in their opposing perspective. Ransolm at least shows a degree of intelligence and logic that the others of his informal party lack. Though on the surface they profess an interest in law and order, Leia knows better. They quietly (and not so quietly) glorify the strict control that the Empire exerted upon the galaxy, lauding Palpatine’s many tyrannical acts and venerating his deeds as emperor to various degrees. 

_To go so far as to collect items from the Empire, to create an altar for such wide-reaching and egregious acts of violence?_

Nothing makes Leia more nauseous. It would be naive to deny what these individuals are truly attracted to: subjugation, exploitation, and feeling powerful at the expense of others. Centrists allege a dedication to stability and productivity, but Leia knows firsthand how lofty the price is for achieving these objectives.

 _They never saw their planet destroyed. They never had to bear witness to everything they have known and loved being wiped from existence._

Leia presses her lips together, trying to stifle the influx of emotions. But it’s no use. She inhabits the murky shadows of grief, never able to process, let alone move on. _Too much guilt and shame. Too much I must do to correct countless wrongs._

She lives a life of penance, always prioritizing the greater good over her own happiness. If she allows herself to imagine when she was truly happy--climbing mountains at sixteen with Kier, side by side with Han and Luke, cradling newborn Ben--her heart becomes a wildly pinched thing, spasming with unquantifiable losses. And now, having to once more push against individuals who are brazen in their admiration for the perpetrators of that violence… Leia vibrates with rage.

 _How can I show them how wrong they are? Would they have to lose their entire planet to no longer believe in the philosophy of a selfish greedy man?_

These are the questions that have chased her, unrelenting for some time. Only if she answered these questions could she vacate her Senate seat in good conscience. But in a rush of awareness, she understands a more direct and personal question. 

_What if, in dedicating myself to making existence better for everyone, I lose my son? ___

__Suddenly, she feels a severe sense of urgency that she cannot explain, let alone comprehend. But she trusts it. Drums along her limbs, its a chant of _necessary_ and _do not delay._ Perhaps, one day, she’ll understand why she has this fierce urge to act now. But she knows now is not the time to analyze._ _

___She tries at once to contact Luke._  
_  
_

* * *

__

__

  


_Serrated, obsidian black waves permeate her skin. They slink into the flesh, a tenebrous disruption that makes her convulse in disgust. The revulsion continues as Ben, tiny and unformed **Ben** , twists from the attack, instinctively roiling to defend himself in her womb._

_Someone is after my baby. They want him for themselves. For his **power**._

_She pushes back against the onslaught, each jagged and acrid weapon meant to identify and take advantage of her presumed weakness. Of course they take advantage of the mother, thinking her incapable of self-protection._

_Well, they **underestimate** me._

_She gathers every scrap of gyrating Force, pulling from between the particles of life as her brother once taught her. The strings of energy become taut, suspending elegantly like panes of light through dust. It’s visible and pungent and exhilarating._

_Now I see why the Jedi spend so much time perfecting their skills. This is intoxicating. The ease and ripple of it. I had never let myself ponder this richness. It would never not be **tainted**._

_Tainted by her bloodline, condemning her child from conception. Leia twists her arms around and slams against the insidious invasion. The magnitude of the counter-assault steals her breath but the aggressor recoils. Breathless and mind bleak from the realization that this someone preying upon her unborn son, Leia bares her teeth at the escaping attacker._

_**You cannot have him. You can never have him. He will be nothing like Vader**._

Leia wakes from her nightmare drenched in sweat and stale tears. She sits up and catches a slanting ray of moonlight through her window. It has no color or temperature, simply ancient light that has traveled far to fall upon her wan cheek. There’s nothing in its beam but a chill.

This is not the first dream to corrupt her sleep. Even more, it is a _memory._ Leia’s pregnancy was plagued by visions both sinister and alarming, each coiling around her with a bewildering degree of accuracy. _Like someone is targeting me and my family. Precise. Deliberate._

Han never knew what to say, since his understanding of the Force was limited by choice. And words weren’t his strong suit, though he’ll claim to be a sweet talker for the rest of his days. The solution Han discovered was keeping his hand on her all night, so when she woke up she’d know instantly that she wasn’t alone. She’s not sure how he managed to sleep that way, hyper-aware and diligent.

_One of his acts of devotion that I took for granted._

Han’s efforts helped. Leia wished sleeping with baby Ben nearby had helped too. But the child’s own nighttime troubles seemed to build upon her own, like a quickly accelerating shadow reaching for the two of them. To stay too close would exacerbate everything. It stung to accept that she was the reason for her son’s suffering.

For a while, Han would creep into Ben’s room every other night to sleep near the boy. Leia, upon waking from her nightmares in an empty bed, would find solace in the fact that her husband was comforting their child. She imagined all of them sleeping peacefully together, and resented that even this was stolen from her.

 _The vilest person to ever live. And I’m his descendent._ She swims in the smoky, acrid loathing until she knows sleep will evade her for the rest of the night.

Exasperated, Leia slips out of bed in search of water for her parched throat. The chrono reads early morning. She’d usually be waking soon, anyway. It makes little difference to start work now. Plus, it would be the best way to divert her mind from these entrenched and perpetual concerns. 

But the impulse to distract herself is troubling, as well. 

_My parents would lovingly, painstakingly instruct me to stop being a coward. To stop evading a vital thing, simply because it will be uncomfortable. They raised me to confront issues, not to shy away. And how have I failed them this entirely? Failed my son? I’ve been held captive by the past without trying to escape this suffocating prison._

She fills a glass and drinks it quickly, then fills it again. There’s fear, yes. Of having to accept where she comes from. Of others knowing the truth.

_Fear that Ben will be forced to live in this cage, as I have. Chained to a legacy no one deserves. Anchored by the violence of a broken man._

Her eyes swim. To consider Vader, _Anakin_ as a broken man is the most generous Leia can be. She cannot fathom what experiences caused him to fall, from a promising Jedi to a Sith lord capable of mass cruelty and inflicting pain unlike anyone else.

_Except the Emperor. He manipulated Vader. I’m sure of it. Just as he, or something like him, hopes to manipulate my son._

Leia falls upon a nearby chair, water grasped in her hand tight enough to shove the blood from her knuckles. There’s another source of dread she hasn’t acknowledged, yet it rears its head in the gloom of her silent kitchen. 

_What if Ben never forgives me? For keeping the truth from him. For sending him to Luke. For being his mother._

A memory of when they left Ben materializes, vivid and needle-sharp. Her sweet ten-year-old, pleading in every nonverbal way he knew how. Whimpering, _“please mama, please daddy. I want to stay with you.”_ And they ignored those words, those tear-wrecked eyes without a backward glance. _For his sake. For ours._ But she was wrong. And it’s been eight years that she has mourned this mistake.

_I have done this. I have made this mess. All because I was afraid._

She collapses, chest heaving like she’s dashed across the Senate complex. Already her knees ache from the hard floor. But she can’t move. Sobs both torrential and debilitating descend, corrupting her breath. She regrets drinking so much water. Trying to stifle her retch, Leia lays on her side, grimacing against the onslaught. 

Without a view of the chrono, Leia isn’t sure how long she disassembles in this way. Decades of grief catch up with her, excruciating in its thoroughness. All her years of successfully staying out of its reach come to a staggering halt.

“Ben… Maybe it’s not too late,” she rasps. _It can’t be too late._

Her body sags. And yet, she tastes a bit of that initial motherly protection. The imperative to safeguard her child. _No matter the personal costs._ She raises onto her elbows and shakily grabs the chair. 

_My eighteen-year-old mess of a child. His mess is my doing. He needs me now. As he has always needed me._

Leia rolls her shoulders back and makes a plan.

  


* * *

  


“Han, can you hear me?”

He must be somewhere distant, somewhere nearly unreachable. His image of extra blurry, his voice crackled with static.

“Yeah, I can hear you. You okay?” He asks it with a furrowed brow, expression serious. They speak infrequently; she can’t blame him for his immediate concern.

“For the most part. I wanted to tell you that I am going to talk with Ben.”

Han stares for a moment, unsure what she means. “Talk to him? Is that not normal?”

There’s an edge to his voice she can’t ignore. After all, Ben had been traveling with Luke for years. Communication was never reliable. Han probably assumed that Leia had more success than he did reaching their son. _Has he missed him? Has he yearned to talk with our child, not-quite-a-man?_

“It is, if I’m being honest. Which is the point of this whole undertaking. I’m going to tell him the truth about Vader.”

The color drains from Han’s face. “Why now?”

“Delaying any longer feels dangerous. I can’t explain it.” Leia shakes her head and looks down. “I should have told him a long time ago. My commitment to protecting him has become perilous. I think _all_ of my instincts have been erroneous. From the beginning of everything, Han. I wish we could go back and start fresh. It’s clear what we did wrong.”

Han grows distant, perhaps rehashing his own failures. Then he huffs morosely. “I’d join you if I could.”

“You mean going to see Ben now or going back in time?”

“Both.” Han looks away to fiddle with something. Leia knows this is a tactic for circumventing his emotions.

“Why don’t you meet me there?”

Han jerks his head up. “I don’t think he wants to see me.”

“You don’t know that. All he wanted was to be a pilot like you.” An idea sprouts. “What if he took a break from his training with Luke? I think it would be good for him to have a trip with his father.”

“He just wanted to fly the _Falcon,_ which I don’t have anymore. There’s no reason for him to want anything to do with _me._ ”

Leia shakes her head impatiently. “That’s not it. You’re being purposefully obtuse, which shouldn’t surprise me.” She inhales slowly. “Your son wanted to be part of what was important to you. The _Falcon_ was important. Consequently, he obsessed over that damn ship, whether that was working on it, flying, or dreaming up grand adventures _with you_. What he wanted more than anything was your approval, your love.”

Han visibly swallows. “Well, I kriffed it up, huh? Got scared. Never stuck around very long.”

Leia deflates. “We have both been afraid. We can’t change the past but we can change what comes next. _I will choose_ what happens next. And that means tracking down my son.” Leia straightens in her seat, resolution once more wrapped around her like a cape.

A small, insistent smile creeps over Han’s face. At once she notices the extra wrinkles at the sides of his mouth, the heightened gray in his hair. _He looks exhausted. Maybe he has been working himself ragged as his own distraction technique._

“Sometimes I forget how contagious your optimism is. Never been one for optimism. But with you, I couldn’t resist it no matter how much I tried.” His smile turns melancholy. Leia tries to ignore the twinge of her heart.

“If we are sharing compliments, I will begrudgingly admit that your rationality has proven valuable, as well.” She gives him a lowered glance and exhales. “I will send you the coordinates when I figure out where they are. Luke didn’t respond when I called.”

“Didn’t say I’d meet you,” he counters automatically.

“You didn’t have to. I know you, Han. And it’s time we stop running from the past.”

He looks like a cornered animal briefly, all raised hackles and alarm. But the elevated stress diminishes as if he’s simply too tired to exert the energy.

“I’ll see you there, then.”

Leia hides her satisfied grin. “Good. It might not hurt to have some fun ship for Ben to fly. He’s probably sick with boredom on all these Jedi scavenger hunts.”

This elicits a genuine laugh from Han. “I can manage that.”

She gives him a nod and ends the call. _I will finally become the person my parents believed me to be. A true Organa. I’ll make my parents proud._

  


* * *

  


Speaking with Han buoyed her mood more than expected. Leia sinks to the floor and crosses her legs. Her hands move to the positions that Luke once demonstrated in their short lesson together.

It has been a long while since she tried to connect with the Force. That first and only time occurred simply because Luke was frustratingly persistent. And, if she is honest with herself, there was a morbid curiosity about how it would work, if she would _like_ it. When she did, she ended her training immediately.

_I never explained it to Luke. Not completely. I wonder how he would feel knowing I wasn’t truthful with him._

Tugging herself back to the present, Leia regulates her breathing and pushes thoughts away. At once there’s an impatient thrumming under her skin like the Force has been waiting for her eagerly. It jumps to meet her presence of mind, prickles of familiarity that shouldn’t be familiar.

Her attempt to contact Luke was just a formality. She knew he would be too busy to respond and would probably balk at the suggestion of her visiting. Luke resided over Ben’s time and activities habitually, as if he too thought Ben was an unstable thing requiring constant pressure.

_Or else he’ll fall. Just like his grandfather. And he will make his own mark upon the galaxy._

The thought doesn’t feel like Leia’s. She shudders, pushes this away. _No. It’s not too late. His future is not written. He has a choice._

Leia’s breath comes in thundering spurts, heart sending lava-hot blood through her quaking form. She imagines Ben, tall and gangly, ears and hair sticking up and out. She imagines Luke, bearded and solemn, so assured with the best intentions.

 _Where are they? Let me find them._

Energy sets the stillness ablaze, or at least that’s how it feels to Leia, while the Darkside spirals toward her, yearning to find the same location. She gasps from the effort and drills down deeper, finding a molten core of strength she knew was there but hadn’t had to utilize in a long time.

_It’s never too late. Never. Do I believe that? Has Ben made up his mind about me or can I still be that person who sang him to sleep, cuddling away his disquiet?_

She inhales sharply and slams herself against the invading, invisible foe. Aided by the Force, Leia cracks the air and the attacker disappears. In its wake, she sees a place.

A planet. One unknown by her eyes but with a name provided. She weeps from gratitude and exhaustion.

_Ben. I’m coming._

  


* * *

  


The _Mirrorbright_ slips through hyperspace, taciturn and swift. Leia knows not to stare into the streaks of distant stars. But the blue glow they share with the interior of the ship causes its own kind of trance.

After sending a harried message to Ransolm explaining that she is attending to family business, Leia sits on the white cushion seats. Her bramble thoughts contort, overlap, tangle. She tries to keep breathing, tries to ignore the worried glances that C-3P0 keeps darting her way. She’s already snapped at him and regrets it, as usual. The steadfast droid says nothing. 

_My adulthood has been a series of slow-motion mistakes. I turned nineteen and everything changed for the worst. There’s still time for me to do the right thing, to correct course._

She feels lit from within, courage ignited as a dual-sunrise, liquid and warm and capable. At long last, Leia feels sure of the way forward. The ship leaves hyperspace and she sets her jaw.

They land and without direct communication, Leia knows Luke senses her presence. He’s there when the ship door descends.

“Leia,” Luke says as she disembarks the ship. He extends his arms with a fatigued but genuine smile.

“It’s good to see you,” Leia replies. She returns the hug. “I’m here to talk to Ben about the past.”

Luke startles. “Do you think that is the best idea? Come, let us talk in the temple.”

Leia follows and speaks, bypassing small talk altogether. “I will not be held prisoner by Vader any longer, Luke. You accepted him as your father. I still cannot. However, it’s long overdue that I move beyond the anger that has possessed me for decades. In doing so, perhaps I can help Ben accept him as a grandparent. Maybe together I can discover peace with this ugly truth. Because I cannot change who I come from. But I can change who I am.”

“I understand,” Luke says softly. He glances away. “I wish you could have been there with me in that moment. Could have seen the love in his eyes. How much regret and pain.” Luke turns to her. “He was ashamed of what he’d done, Leia. And if he had lived, I know he would have done almost anything to make it up to you.”

Leia scoffs. “You can believe that. I do not have the capacity for such magnanimity.”

Luke, noticing how Leia’s shaking slightly, brings a hand to her shoulder. “Leia. Imagine if he had known who you were. Imagine if he could have sensed who you were. Perhaps Alderaan wouldn’t have been destroyed. Perhaps Anakin would have come back to the light for his daughter.”

Leia glowers at him, tears springing up in the corners of her eyes. “Why would you say that? What is the point? Do you mean I should have done something differently, that it was my fault my homeworld and my family were obliterated?” She’s sucking in oxygen, head whirling.

“No, no, not at all,” Luke amends and swallows, shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I wish I could give you the healing experience I had. You’ve suffered so much.”

Leia swipes vigorously at her tears. “I don’t get to have it. But I will make sure Ben does.”

Luke exhales wearily. “Ben is in a fragile state. I don’t think it’s the best time. He has been having troublesome dreams and difficulty focusing. Sometimes I think he’s hearing voices, Leia.”

She jolts. “Why didn’t you tell me this? I deserve to know what’s going on with my son!” Her anger redirects at Luke more pointedly.

“He’s eighteen. Stubborn. Insular. He doesn’t share anything with me but I feel it every day. Sometimes I watch him sleep and the darkness radiates off of him. I need to help him through this, Leia. The Jedi path is his best option."

“I love you, but you’re wrong. The Jedi have saved very few people, in my experience,” Leia states firmly. She glances sideways at Luke, hoping she won’t entirely offend him. His expression is stony. “You have had eight years to help him and from what you’ve told me, he is struggling more than ever. His family will be what saves him, now. Not the Jedi path. You of all people should know that.” She stands and exits without another word, leaving Luke cast in the temple’s cold penumbra.


	2. Chapter 2

Leia’s anger cascades down her spine, viscous and acute. She knows she shouldn’t have blown up at Luke; beneath the boiling frustration, Leia is grateful that Luke has taken care of her son. He did his best with what he knows to be true.

_But the man is so kriffing wrong. When will he realize it?_

Perhaps she should have explained the lengths the Darkside has gone to infiltrate Ben. She eluded to it over the years, tangential references that Luke could have dug into if he’d felt compelled. Now, she knows she shouldn’t have waited for him to inquire further. However immature, she wanted him to _ask,_ to show more than an abstract _duty_ toward his nephew. Something based on love.

 _But didn’t I handle it just fine? Kept the darkness at bay?_ Leia squeezes her eyes shut. _Of course I didn’t. Not if Ben is apparently hearing voices now. And unsurprisingly, Luke and the Jedi techniques have failed him entirely._

She stands by the _Mirrorbright,_ letting the cool night and its hushed stars drift upon her. It feels like autumn with a wisp of late summer warmth and a promise of winter commingling in the breeze. 

See-3P0 disembarks the ship, startling her.

“Senator, Master Ben was looking for you.”

Leia’s forehead creases. “I missed him? Where did he go?”

“I believe he went to Master Skywalker’s ship.”

Leia glances to the left. The rugged terrain of Ossus is smeared with orange and brown hues. Even at night, Leia can detect the topographical changes nearby, causing gorges and steep inclines. It’s a dramatic landscape, boasting some connection to the Jedi order. She wonders briefly what brought Luke and Ben here, of all places.

_What is he always searching for? Some relic that represents what he has dedicated his life to? I cannot judge him for this. Not when I cling to everything that connects me to Alderaan._

See-3P0 asks, “Shall I go retrieve him, Senator?”

Leia tries to focus on the fact that Ben is so close, the moment of reckoning palpable. “No, I’ll go look for him. Please stay with the ship.” 

“As you wish, Senator.”

Leia sets off in the direction of the ship they’d seen as they searched for a landing place, near the stone temple where she spoke with Luke. The rocky contours limit landing options for large spacecraft. As she walks, her feet kick up tiny plumes of dust. Her boots are well insulated, green vest keeping the infrequent wind from making her shiver. Still, something clammy clasps at her bones.

She spots the temple and veers around it, in an attempt to avoid Luke.

Unexpectedly, a shape moves in the gloom ahead of her. She knows who it is.

“Ben.” His name tumbles past her lips. His eyes are wide, set on her warily. She can’t tell exactly how much he has grown. Several inches, at least. She won’t be able to hold him, not like she used to. _If he even wants that._

“Hi, mom,” he says slowly, sheepishly. “How did you find us?”

“I used the Force.”

Ben blinks, studies her. “That’s… impressive.”

Leia shrugs, trying to hide her surge of pride. “You know what your uncle says, ‘the Force is strong in my family,’ though I’ve never felt the interest to explore this particular inheritance.” Leia swallows the acid in her throat. “My responsibilities have always been focused on governance and politics.”

“I know,” Ben replies simply. She understands at once how he misunderstood her point, then reconsiders. _I suppose I am the one who has always misunderstood._

She motions toward the ship and Ben follows stiffly. They walk up the plank in search of a place to sit. “Tell me how you are, how it has been with Luke.” 

Ben leads them to a bench by the quarters. Sinking onto it, Ben self-consciously runs a hand to the nape of his neck. He moves his body inelegantly beside her, trying to arrange his legs. Leia watches as he tucks them in and under, apparently forcing himself to take up less space. 

She holds herself back from touching his arm, from telling him _You are worthy of taking up space. Why do you doubt it?_

“There’s not much to say. Master Skywalker keeps locating new items, each one more obscure than the last. At first it was interesting. Now it seems like more of the same. He wants to make sure history is preserved, and I get that. But it seems like we’re missing out on the _present,_.” Ben bristle, calms himself, and changes the subject. “He makes me meditate all the time. And I don’t get to practice with lightsabers enough.” His eyes are trained on his lap.

Leia marvels at how low his voice is and longer than expected to answer. Relief that he would share this much information grows inside her. “Does he still make you call him _Master Skywalker_?”

“Why would that change? He wants to make sure no one thinks I’m getting any special treatment just because we’re related.” His face shifts. “It’s not so bad though, since we’re not at the Praxeum. Being out here definitely beats being stuck there.”

“And are there any parts that you genuinely enjoy, parts that could make it better? Maybe engaging in duels with the other students more often.”

Ben tilts his head thoughtfully. “Yes, that would help. Not that anyone can--” He cuts himself off quickly.

“Not that anyone can what, Ben?”

With a guilty expression, he glances away. “Keep up with me. It sounds really arrogant. I’m not trying to be arrogant.” 

Leia wants to grab his hand again, holds back. _You’ve always been such an insecure boy. I don’t think you’re capable of being egotistical._ “There is quite a difference between recognizing one’s strengths and being arrogant, Ben. You need confidence. Maybe I can talk to Luke about more training with the sabers.”

Ben rankles at once. “Don’t do that. No special treatment, remember? And anyway, he tells me I need to meditate more than anything else. Says it’ll help with my nightmares…” He freezes, having apparently said too much.

Leia watches him hunch over, elbows to knees, to study the ground. “I have bad dreams, too. For many years now.”

He straightens, looks at her. “Still? I remember you telling me that as a child.”

“Yes, last night I had another one. It’s why I’m here.”

Ben stares at her, brow furrowed. “A nightmare made you come here?”

“It felt more like a premonition, a warning.” 

“About what?” Ben holds his breath.

 _I hope I don’t lose my nerve. To make it this close to the precipice and have to turn back…_ Leia swallows, fails to form words.

“Are you going to make me pull it out of you?” Ben demands. She jumps slightly at the tone but realizes how evasive she is being, though unintentionally.

“Ben, there is something I have never told you about our family. I had convinced myself that the timing needed to be right, that somehow, some _time,_ it would make sense to give you this piece of information. But the years have rushed by and now... You’re eighteen and a padawan.” Leia blinks back tears. “You’re not a little boy anymore and I admire who you have become. Strong, compassionate, intelligent--”

Ben gives her a frustrated look and stands. “I don’t want to hear a bunch of generic compliments. You haven’t been around. You barely know me at this point.”

Leia reels from this, averts her eyes, wills herself to respond. “It’s true I have been absent. I’m sorry for that. I let myself become wrapped up in fixing the galaxy because I felt responsible for it. We worked to take down the Empire and I had no idea how I was _connected_ to it, ignorant of so much.”

Ben whips his head back. “You’re still dancing around what you want to say. Spit it out or leave. I’m tired of everyone treating me like they know more than I do. ” He balls his fists, starts to pace. Leia observes him rigidly for several seconds.

“I’ve tried to prepare for this moment for eighteen years, Ben. I know you’ve sensed this your whole life. You’ve known there was _something_ brewing below the surface that you weren’t able to comprehend. And it was wrong for me to keep it from you.”

She stands suddenly, steps in front of Ben, and takes a deep breath. “Darth Vader was my father. Luke’s father. His name was Anakin Skywalker and he was your grandfather.”

Ben doesn’t move. His eyebrows are stitched together, lips pressed into a line. The words fill up space inconsequentially for several moments and Leia, bizarrely, doubts she uttered them out loud at all.

Finally, after an excruciating pause, Ben speaks.

“Darth Vader is your father.” He says it slowly, teasing out the syllables. But there’s a flash of something in his eyes. Leia steadies her rushing heart.

“Yes, by blood alone. I have never called him such. The man who raised me, Bail Organa, will always be my true father. But I cannot deny the reality of our bloodline.”

Ben looks stuck between fight and flight. His shoulders are raised, eyes fiery with confusion, knuckles white. Leia steps toward him and he stumbles backward.

“I don’t understand,” Ben gasps, eyes wide. “How can that be?”

“Everything we’ve told you about Anakin was true. Everything before his fall...”

Ben’s barely listening, caught in the rush of new, devastating understanding. “This is why everyone has always been afraid of me. Because of _him._ I’m a reminder of the war and a portent of the Darkside without any kriffing _say_ in the matter.” He levels his gaze at her, a deluge of betrayal. “Why couldn’t you tell me? You thought all of these problems would go away if you ignored them long enough?” Ben’s voice is haunted, fractured. Leia starts to panic.

“Yes, I was ignorant and short-sighted. And yet you have resisted and fought back. We dreaded what could happen but that hasn’t come to pass. You are strong in the Light, a marvelous Jedi-to-be.” She lays a hand on his arm and tenses when he rips it away.

He begins shaking his head, possessed by something she can’t discern. “I have heard voices my whole life. I have had nightmares _my whole life._ Do you know what that’s like? To not even have the peace of my own mind?” Ben’s in her voice now, rage twisting his features. Leia recoils. “And I never even knew _why._ ”

“No, I don’t. I’m so sorry, Ben. If I could take all of your suffering away, I would in an instant.” She attempts a soothing tone.

He scoffs bitterly. “Everyone else could see the full picture and I was left with scraps of my own identity. I should be grateful to finally have an explanation. I have never _not_ been treated like a ticking time bomb, held at a distance because my very existence threatens the people who are supposed to love me the most,” Ben shouts. He churns in front of her, turmoil rippling along his edges, static leaping into the air. 

Leia tries to maintain her breathing. She stands still, allowing his barrage to wash over her. _He will get through this. We will find a path through this._

Ben turns a tight circle and slams his hand forward. Something down the hall crashes; Leia can’t tell what. _Let him get it out. As long as he doesn’t hurt anyone…_ Ben whirls around again, eyes wide with loathing, though she suspects it’s directed inward.

“The doubt and anxiety were always there. I could _feel_ it inside you, this worry and fear. Even when you sang me to sleep. When dad would play with me. For my whole life, I have been a monster in the making. I just never knew it,” Ben gasps. He staggers, tears corrupting his vision, and Leia falls to the ground beside him. She brings her hands to his back, which curves inward. He clutches himself and breaks down.

Leia stifles her own tears. _He needs me to be strong. I need to be strong for him._ She repeats it like a mantra, holding onto him desperately. Several minutes trickle by, each one rife with a pent-up agony her heart mimics. It flows through their shared blood, _the tragedy of the Skywalkers._

Eventually, Ben’s voice interrupts the stillness. He sags, as if the crying robbed him of his fury. “I take after him. I crave power, crave control.”

“If that is true, I think it is because you have felt powerless in your life. That doesn’t mean the Darkside will claim you.” Leia removes a hand from Ben and dries the wetness on her face.

Ben unfurls from his concave shape. “But I _see things,_ mom. Dark things streaked with black and red. I drown in blackness, this void that promises things I shouldn’t want but do. I see myself commanding armies from inside a dark shell. No interest in anything but _power._ And I want that,” Ben murmurs, voice like split wood. 

It’s a confession she didn’t anticipate.

“That doesn’t mean you’re fated to take up Vader’s mantle. You can make different choices than he did. You can choose _hope._ ”

Ben pulls away from her, disdain painting his face. “You were a princess. A rebel leader. Now a Senator. Your whole life has been set within the realm of hope. I haven’t had that privilege.”

Leia brings a hand to Ben’s cheek. He jumps at her touch but stays within the sphere of her warmth. “My homeworld was destroyed at the hands of my birth father. I chose to fight against the vile Empire when all I wanted to do was hide away and mourn. I choose to keep fighting against those who wish to bring back that oppressive regime we destroyed. To create a better world for everyone. For _you._ ”

Ben’s eyes splinter. “The only thing I wanted was for you to be home. Both of you. I just wanted my parents. I resented everyone else who took all of your attention. I resented all those jobs dad took. I was selfish then and I’m selfish now.” Ben wrests himself out of her grip and slumps.

“You were a child in need of love. Now you’re on the cusp of adulthood and need love. And my primary mistake was letting you think you were alone. Letting my dismay of where we come from overpower everything else.”

Leia speaks to his back, noting how the Jedi robes barely fit over the expanse. _He’s grown so much. I’ve missed too much._ Another sob wells up but she manages to swallow it. Ben shifts his weight and turns to her. 

This time, he is utterly detached. 

“I used to believe you were the strongest person in the galaxy. Now I understand the weakness you were covering up. You’ve been in denial for most of your life. That denial cost me my childhood.” 

Leia’s body runs cold, her mind freezes over. She shuffles backward until she hits the wall. Noiseless tears erupt from her eyes that she can no longer hide. She numbly nods her head. “You’re right. I’m sorry, Ben.”

_He’s livid. And it’s my fault._

Leia doesn’t notice someone has joined them. The interrupting voice, both anxious and stern, draws her attention.

“Ben. I get you’re hurting but you don’t speak to your mother that way.”

Leia’s eyes grow wide. “Han,” she exhales. She watches her husband square off with their son, too weighed down to move.

“I don’t see how you have the right to say anything at all,” Ben snarls.

Han grimaces. “I was a kriffing awful father. I can’t argue with that. But consider all your mother has endured. The pain she’s felt… I’ve seen her suffer through it.”

“And what about _my_ pain? The burden of carrying Vader’s legacy without even knowing it? What’s to stop me now from picking up right where he left off? It’s what everyone expects from me.” Ben vibrates. To her surprise, Han doesn’t.

“It’s true we feared what could happen. We feared we would fail you. And we did.”

It’s not what Ben expected to hear from his father. His mask of ire falters, chin quivering. All at once, he reminds Leia of a child, lashing out against an endless list of perceived injustices. _Real injustices._ He presses his palms into his face and shudders.

“I’m so weak. I _hate_ being this weak.”

Leia comes back to herself. Rising to her feet, she takes Ben’s shaking hands. “I loved you the second I knew I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure if I could contain all the love that coursed through me. But something else was there too. A knife of the Darkside, slicing into me, trying to get at you. You were targeted, Ben. Relentlessly from the beginning. You have resisted this attack, combated their insidious efforts. I can’t imagine a more remarkable achievement.”

“You’re stronger than all of us, Ben. Stronger than Vader ever hoped to be.” 

Ben doesn’t respond. His eyes glaze over. Leia talks to fill the silence.

“Keeping the truth a secret has never helped anyone. I’ve been lucky to avoid the truth coming out. I’ve never considered it before... That I could tell the galaxy about who my birth parents were. I could own it instead of it owning me. You got caught up in that.”

“It’s not like Luke announced it, either. And Luke’s the one who held the bastard as he died.” Han’s voice makes Leia stiffen.

“Wouldn’t want to sully his name as a Jedi Master,” Ben grits out.

A heavy swish of robes announces Luke’s entrance. “I contend that it would have affected your mother’s reputation more than mine. I respected that she needed time to process the revelation. And beyond our family, I didn’t see it fit for anyone to know.”

Ben stares at Luke, eyes wide and hollowed out. Leia has to look away. The contempt hurts to observe.

“There’s more to it than that, uncle.”

Luke inclines his head. “Perhaps.”

Han glances at Luke. “What I said came out harsher than I meant.”

“I understand. I’m not sure there was a _right_ way to handle this. It’s done. We flubbed up where we did, and now, we can move forward. Ben, I’m sorry you have suffered.”

Ben shifts his gaze away. “You all keep apologizing. As if that’s enough.”

“That’s a fair complaint,” Han replies. Then he sways, balls his fists, gearing up for something. “We must show more than just words. I’d like to spend some time with you. We can take a trip. Anywhere you want in the galaxy. Just us and Chewie, of course.”

Ben and Luke look up sharply, the expression of surprise hitting their faces simultaneously. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Han,” Luke begins.

Leia cuts in. “It’s long overdue for them to have time together. It’s up to Ben and no one else.”

Ben glances at her, eyebrows stitched with his shock. His eyes fall on Luke, then Han. He swallows and wipes his hands on his Jedi robes. “If dad’s serious…”

“I am.” Han stops swaying, locking eyes with Ben. The younger man who is already taller surges to hug his father. Leia joins them automatically. Luke remains close, smiling.

Ben wiggles a little between their arms, pushing Han to loosen his grip. But Leia holds on, knowing full well how Ben is soaking up the adoration. At last, when they come apart, Ben’s cheeks are tinged pink. He clears his throat, looking away. “I don’t know if this will ever make sense. But I’m glad you finally told me.”

Luke speaks. “When you’re ready to come back to your training, I’ll be here.”

“Thank you, Master Skywalker,” Ben says quietly. Leia has a feeling that won’t happen anytime soon.

“I shouldn’t have made you call me that. It was another technique I thought would be beneficial. But I think it backfired.”

Ben studies him, then nods. “Okay, Uncle Luke.” 

_I imagine it will take time for Ben to trust us all again. Luckily, we have many years ahead of us to earn it back. And we’re at least on our way._

“I hope you’ll come visit me on Hosnian Prime. I’d like for you to see what I do. Maybe a political career is in your future,” Leia teases. She’s giddy that they made it through the first part, the _hardest_ part.

Han snorts. “Whatever he would like to do.” Han presses a hand to Ben’s shoulder.

Ben keeps his face lowered, giving them each a meaningful look. “And what if the voices don’t stop? The nightmares don’t stop? The Darkside won’t stop.”

“We will figure it out together, Ben. You are not alone in this.” Leia clutches his elbow firmly. “It’s time you begin to hope.”

Ben gives a tiny nod and keeps shuffling his feet. Both Han and Leia still hold onto him. He inhales, readying himself to speak. “Soon, I’d like to see the places where the battles were fought, where the Empire left scars. Starting with Endor and Jakku. Someone should bear witness to the long-term effects of my grandfather. Maybe we’ll come across some Force-sensitives who feel alone like I did. There could be people who need help.” Ben shrugs, embarrassed by his candor.

Leia blinks back an upwelling of emotion. “I think that is a wonderful idea. No more hiding from that which came before. And finding a path forward.” 

She links arms with Ben and he lets her. They walk onto the fancy ship that sits nearby. Han already disappeared into it, probably readying it for Ben. Luke follows. 

Leia briefly considers going with Ben and Han and imagines how good that would feel. _Soon. First I need to get back and attend to a few more things._

“Have fun with your father,” Leia says, cupping Ben’s face.

“Don’t forget to meditate,” Luke contributes with a sly smile.

Ben jovially rolls his eyes and pursues his father into the cockpit. Luke stays behind, Leia on Ben’s heels. She watches Han give that lop-sided smile and ushers Ben into the pilot’s seat.

The resulting grin on Ben’s face staggers her. It’s innocent, radiant. _My boy. How I have missed you._ Han says something and Ben laughs loudly, as if all of his joy has been bottled up for years, finally let loose.

She watches Han’s eye. They share a smile. Then leaves the ship.

_I did the right thing. Ben knows the truth. And our family can finally be free._

She and Luke wander back to the _Mirrorbright._ They say nothing, walking with elbows nearly touching. The stars above glimmer their silent chorus. And Leia surges with hope for the first time in years.

“I’m going to tell the Senate, too.”

“Are you sure? It could be disastrous for your career.”

“I know. I’ve wanted to step down, anyway.”

Luke nods. “And what will you do next?” he asks.

“With Ben going off on a grand adventure, maybe it’s almost time to start planning for grandchildren,” Leia says with a laugh.

“That’s rather premature.” Luke chuckles. “But I do have a feeling that Ben will find a partner. Someone who can match his stubbornness. Give him a taste of his own difficulty. Someone passionate and kind.”

“That’s a person I can’t wait to meet.”

Together, the Skywalker twins advance toward the blossoming dawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really love writing scenarios where they get to heal! It's cathartic and what the characters deserved.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
